Late night thoughts

       On Saturdays I work an overnight shift at my work. I don't mind it, actually I enjoy it. It's my time, all the clients go to bed at midnight and I get to relax for a few hours alone. Something that doesn't happen often.
        So here I am, listening to Simon and Garfunkel's El Condor Pasa on repeat, losing myself in the lyrics. Forgetting everything, forgetting all my worries. Something in this song speaks to my soul. I've had this urge lately to run. Daily routines are getting to me. I need something different. I need to get to know myself. I am so involved with the clients at my work and want to fix them all and solve all their problems, then I get home and take care of my toddler and my boyfriend goes to work. My boyfriend is so different from me. We are complete opposites and some things fill his soul but empty mine. That the nicest way I can put it. I'm losing myself because I'm taking on other people's problems. I NEED to stop that. It will kill me. Why do I always choose the hard road? I think I like feeling sad. It's safe to me, chaos is safe to me. That isn't good. I want peace, I want love, I want respect.
        Writing is healing to me. I can get my thoughts out in front of me and digest them in a different way. Sharing them is scary, it's scary to be vulnerable. My body is on auto pilot and I'm just going through the daily motions. Not living just existing. I want to live! I want adventure. I want happiness. Someone told me to try it out then, there is no trying though there's doing or not doing.
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you'll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” 
           -Cheryl Strayed

Cheryl Strayed is my new favorite person, I've been reading a lot of her things lately and it's like my brain does a somersault and gets shaken up. I see life at a different angle and its exciting. It's refreshing. I'll get through this slump I'm in and I'll be more wise. I'm learning right now, and life isn't always easy.